Today’s the last day to enter the New Dragon Cup contest!
Click on the link for the entry rules! ~DD

Why A Ménage

First let me thank Delilah for hosting me on her blog today. I might get a little deep because it’s been that kind of a week.

Have you ever had a fantasy? Men and women are different. They have different kinds of fantasies. To be perfectly honest, women are different—they have different kinds of fantasies. So have you ever had a fantasy?  Do you fantasize that you’re famous? Or maybe that you’re the go to girl or go to guy for someone who is famous? Do you want to be a sports star? Do you have to have Josh Hamilton’s batting record? Do you have a fantasy to be a rock star or actor or let’s just get down to brass tacks, do you just fantasize that you’re rich?

Fantasies are important because fantasies are goals. They provide us with an innate sense of reaching for more than who we are or who we want to be.  Sometimes they are simply escapes. An escape from our ho-hum life and too many errands and schedules and bills and frankly, who doesn’t want to fantasize their way out of the long lines at the grocery store on a weekend when you’d rather be sleeping in?

So if “those” kinds of fantasies are healthy, what about sexual fantasies?  Aren’t they healthy, too?

Not if you’re a woman…

There seems to be a common misconception in our culture that women shouldn’t have sexual fantasies. I mean there are booty and booby magazines by the hundreds, half-naked women on cars for men to lust after so they will go and shop for that vehicle and more—because retail and Hollywood figured out a long time ago that sex sells. But that’s okay, because it sells to men.

Then along comes a little book call 50 Shades of Grey and suddenly “Mommy porn” is born and it’s astounding just how many readers gobbled it up. It became the numbers 1, 2, 3 best sellers (with its two sequels) in weeks. It blew the top of this frothing pit of sexual fantasy for women from college co-eds to soccer moms to silver-haired grandmas and I know for a fact at least one great-grandma in a wheelchair.

As a romance reader for more than three decades and an author, was I shocked by this? Of course not, what is a romance novel but a variant of a sexual fantasy? What is the BDSM sub-genre but a sexual fantasy? What about a ménage?

But you’re not supposed to talk about it…

It’s 2012 and we’re not supposed to talk about liking sex. Apparently according to some people, we’re not supposed to talk about sex at all. Some people believe that if you add enough sex to a story it will sell no matter how good that story is and some believe that if sex isn’t an extension of an organic relationship between the characters (whether it’s an MF, MFM, MMFM, MMF, or MFMMMMM – yes ladies, those books do exist) then it’s just porn written to sell.

Wanna know a secret?

It doesn’t matter.  It really doesn’t. I promise you that two years ago, I used to say “I can’t write sex scenes.”  It wasn’t a matter that I couldn’t write them, I was just embarrassed by it.  Yes, embarrassed.  Like so many women I felt that if I said I “liked” to write sex scenes or that I wanted to write them, it should only be said quietly to those people who knew me very well and who would, of course, keep it private.

Because we’re really not suppose to like sex or talk about it.

When I was little, my grandmother always edited the sex scenes when she read her Harlequins to me and that makes sense, because seriously – who is going to read sex to a kid? Exactly – really creepy people. But for years, she referred to it as “cleaning” or “taking a nap.”  Even when I was an adult, she wouldn’t say the word sex – but I guarantee you that the books she was reading had loads of it in there.

We’re embarrassed by this because we’ve been told that in our society it’s not okay to like sex. I mean, you can, but only if you keep it to yourself.

I think I’m tired of keeping it to myself. I like sex. I like to read good sex scenes and I like to write them. I recently released a book in February called Cassandra’s Dilemma that featured a polyamorous relationship. I wasn’t really sure how that would go for me, but the characters refused to be anything else and I believe in going where my characters take me. But when it came to promoting it, I kind of choked a little—why?

Because it had sex and a lot of it.

I didn’t really think about that until recently when I finished Jacob’s Trial in edits and had it queued up for its release date. It’s the second book in the series after Cassandra’s Dilemma and it has sex – lots of sex in it. And you know what. I am thrilled about this book and I don’t feel any of those twinges that I felt with Cassandra’s Dilemma. In part because I realized that even though I’ve never been particularly shy about the subject, I was still trying to look at myself through the lens of a conservative culture that frowns and labels books with open sexuality “mommy porn.”

Why a ménage?

I started off calling this blog why a ménage and I’m going to answer this right now. Because it’s a great sexual fantasy to imagine two, alpha males who care about you so much that they put aside some of that innate, biological competitiveness to be with you emotionally, mentally and yes, sexually.  The physical intimacy in a ménage is just the tip of the iceberg, but it’s a healthy fantasy and I loved writing Jacob, Cassie, and Helcyon’s journey to finding each other and finding a balance in that relationship.

Are sexual fantasies worth it? Absolutely. Because a sexual fantasy is all about you and that’s why we like to read books that explore the fantasies we might have and why many authors like to write them. Your fantasy is healthy, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

I like sex. I hope you do, too.  Because sex feels good and sexual fantasies should, too. Without our fantasies, life would be pretty dull.

I’d love for you to leave a comment on anything you feel like saying on the subject. I’m not going to ask you if you have sexual fantasies or what they are, but I will give away one copy of Jacob’s Trial to one lucky commentator and I’ll announce that here in the comments on Thursday, June 7!