The funeral’s set for Friday. The family is gathering. Because my parents had a burial policy and a funeral home already selected, there’s not a lot of stress involved with the “arrangements.” It’s nice to know family is ready to converge, but at the same time, I crave quiet.
My dd and my sister have been gems. Both working so hard to get ready for company and organize dad’s “effects”. Mom’s been making lists of relatives to call and agencies to inform. My sister has already written what she wants to say at his funeral, and I haven’t been able to organize a thought about what I would say. I won’t. I’ll be there, but I don’t want to be. They’re eager to honor him, but I want to climb into a deep dark hole and sleep. And I feel guilty about that and the fact I haven’t cried as much as they have.
While everyone efficiently went through his clothing to see what family members might use and what might be donated, I wanted to shoo them all from the room, because they were moving too fast for me. I did have the thought that I wanted some of his shirts, ones I remember he wore a lot because I needed to keep something, and I thought…pillows. Just to cling a while longer, because everyone else is so eager to purge. Or that’s the way it feels to me. And now, I don’t want them to read this, but I’ll leave it anyway and hope they don’t.
All I can think is that, like with Grandma, I’m thankful he needed me at the end. I was here when shit hit the fan. I called the ambulance. I tended the sores on his feet for months, cleaning them, bandaging them. I made him breakfasts and brought him coffee. I don’t have to say words over him. I won’t. When they are all gone, I’ll be here for Mom.
Okay, so there’s a tear. Two. Three. I’m done. I just have to get through Friday.
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Everyone grieves differently, so don’t feel badly because your grief looks different than other family members’. *hugs*
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Good luck. It is not easy. I am so sorry for your loss
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Honey what you are feeling is normal. I did the same thing when My son,my dad and my mom died and now 4 mths. ago when my husband died. Cry..you will buckets when “you are ready” No one grieves the same ,not each time. What will happen is a form of anger at some point after..let it happen,get it out and then you can heal. I had no one to help me with grieving and the 5 parts. So do what you need for them but do what you need to do for you..that dark hole is fine for about 4 hrs and then it will swallow you up so goo in and then get the hell out of it. Take something of his to the funeral and hold it to your heart to cry on to love on it helps I just found that out. When they gave me my husband flag i finally cried at his funeral because i wouldnt but then I could I had a piece of him to hold on to. Higs and prayers and ove to you and yours ! And I’m sorry you lost your dad !
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So sorry, your post reminds me of all that I went through when I lost my step-dad. Grief hits people differently and you are not judged by me. So very sorry!
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Like others have said, everyone grieves differently. When my dad died unexpectedly someone had to keep it together and I seemed to be the only one able to do that. Very similar when mom went many years later.
It was very helpful to me to have something of my dad’s to keep with me. I hope you also find comfort in doing that.
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I understand! My brother was like that after mama passed away. He wanted a quick cleanup and sale so he could use his share of the money to buy a house.
I cleaned and sorted, while he and his wife were ready to toss and give away.
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*hugs* We all grieve in our own way. DO NOT feel guilty about that! Dad’s are special and losing one . . . *hugs* *wipes tears*
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Delilah, my heart is broken for you. I’m glad you were there for him, and you have those memories to hold close, with his shirts. What I found out about myself is I cry a lot during the process, and when it’s over, I don’t have a lot left. I just want to send you hugs and love.